CS2 The Dark Temple

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Bumblepig
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Sun Sep 15, 2019 12:27 pm

Regarding the hallway(s) between rooms 28 and 33...
Are there two single doors in 28 leading to two separate 10' wide hallways that lead into room 33? Or is there one double door in 28 leading to a 20' wide hallway that empties into room 33?
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Solomoriah
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Sun Sep 15, 2019 2:32 pm

There is a wall separating the staircase in two. Why? That's left to you...
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AlMan
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Sun Sep 15, 2019 7:57 pm

I have updated the original post of my adventure to Release 3, after going through an edit session or two over the weekend I found a large number of mistakes and half hinted wording. Hope this one will be better. Yes, even an editor can make mistakes the first time, or two, or three, through reading. :oops:

Bumblepig, as far as the wall in room 33 is concerned, I ignored it in the text of my adventure. If pressured I would say it was a railing, the priestess or priest would go down the right side and the captain down the left into the lower sanctuary. Its all a part of the complications of doing an introduction to a Sea Dragon. I made a similar thing with the door to Room 19, in my adventure it is more of a cupboard built into the wall, this is why it is harder to detect (1 on 1d10), some one else may have it as a full door, that is the way I read the entry from MinkyBoodle. It is your adventure, make it what you want. Download the adventures to see what I'm talking about. I look forward to seeing your entry and all the others.

Pytheas, nice, I tried to hand draw one but the stairs would always get in the way. It is also good for showing the connection from Room 16 to Room 21.

Teaman, I'm putting my comment about your great cover art here. If anyone else hasn't seen it yet, check out the Dark Temple Post in the General Discussion area. Fantastic work again, Teaman, the cover of this series will be one to remember!!!!
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MinkyBoodle
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Sun Sep 15, 2019 8:51 pm

AlMan wrote:
Sun Sep 15, 2019 7:57 pm
some one else may have it as a full door, that is the way I read the entry from MinkyBoodle. It is your adventure, make it what you want. Download the adventures to see what I'm talking about. I look forward to seeing your entry and all the others
Exactly my intent.
I second all those comments on everybody’s contributions and also look forward to seeing more adventures.
"My love is my sword."
"If I were you I'd stay away from thoughts like that."
-Dekar and Guy, Lufia II
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AlMan
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Mon Sep 16, 2019 12:08 am

Minky Boodle, here are some edits I did for your entry and what I did to get it into more of the BFRPG Style. Most of it was changing the styles for the Monsters and getting the HP Blocks into the standard style. There is also a list of suggestions, I didn't want to change your text too much, I did make several spelling corrections. The suggestions are just to clear up what your saying, or at least what I think your saying.

Farin’s Folly Edits

This is the list of changes I made to your document.

Entire document - All Monster Descriptions -
Changed the description of the monsters to MonsterBlock Style from WanderingMonsterBody Style. Changed the HP blocks from WanderingMonsterEnd to HP Checkboxes and HPCheckBoxesEnd Styles. Changed the Treasure from Wandering MonsterEnd to Text Body and added a period at the end of the sentence when needed.

Page 1 - Introduction
Changed tok to took.

Page 2 – Portico
Changed coumns to columns

Page 2 - 2 Foyer
Removed repeated the from the sentence under the text box.

Page 2 – 3 Acolyte’s Study
Second text box corrected resently to recently.

Page 3 -
Bolded the spell names, this is a BFRPG Standard.

Page 4 – 9. Classroom
Changed Farrin to Farin to match rest of adventure.

Page 4 – 10. Classroom
Changed Farrin to Farin to match rest of adventure.

Page 5 – 16
In the treasure section bolded the spell name and the cursed weapon since it has a change from the normal hit.

Page 10 – 33 Grand Hall
Second text box changed ‘attemping’ to ‘attempting’

Here are some suggestions. You can take or leave these as you like. I tried to explain why the changes should occur.

Suggestion - Page 1 – For the GM and Adventure Hooks
I would move the “For the GM” and “Adventure Hooks” sections to page 2 above the Wandering Monster section. Since it would then be after the warning for players not to continue reading. (Like they would stop anyway.)

Suggestion - Page 2 – Wandering Monsters
If your not going to have wandering monsters you can remove the section.

Suggestion - Page 2 – Portico
Boxed text remove ‘of’ from first sentence.
Currently:
As you approach the temple steps, the ornate columns of leading to the doors grab your attention.

Should be:
As you approach the temple steps, the ornate columns leading to the doors grab your attention.

Suggestion - Page 2 – 3 Acolyte’s Study
In the paragraph under the second text box; remove ‘a’ from first sentence. ‘A’ denotes a single instance, barbs suggest multiple objects, noun-article agreements.
Currently:
...with a some sharp barbs…
Should be
...with some sharp barbs…

Suggestion - Page 3 – Room 8 – Acolyte’s Dormitory
Do this to avoid the read, read combination.
Currently:
If read, read the following.
Suggest using:
If the players read the diary, read the following.

Suggestion - Page 4 – Acolyte’s Dormitory
Boxed text, add comma before quote.

Suggestion - Page 4 – 13 Pantry
Boxed text move the word ‘rotten’ to another location. The veggies shouldn’t have been rotten to begin with, the remains are what are rotten.
Currently:
The pantry contains a varied assortment of moldy grains and the remains of what were once rotten vegetables.
Suggest:
The pantry contains a varied assortment of moldy grains and the rotten remains of what were once vegetables.

Suggestion - Page 5 – 14 Area of Worship paragraph under treasure description. The holy symbol is broken and wooden, reason for comma. The holy symbol is next to the book. The subject of the second sentence is the book.
Currently:
If examined, the altar has a broken wooden holy symbol resting to the book. The is old and difficult to read, ...
Should be:
If examined, the altar has a broken, wooden holy symbol resting next to the book. The book is old and difficult to read, …

Good stuff, good luck with the rest of the contest.

Attached is release 2 of your adventure. If you use any of the suggestions post it as release 3.
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MinkyBoodle
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:22 am

Al, thank you so very much. Amazing what mistakes are still very easily made even with an MA in English. :lol: The help is very much appreciated, and edits will definitely be made.

Any thoughts on the level and monster balance?
"My love is my sword."
"If I were you I'd stay away from thoughts like that."
-Dekar and Guy, Lufia II
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AlMan
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:40 am

For clarity and openness to everyone, here is a list of what I found wrong in my own original post of The Temple of the Seas.

Page 3 – 4. Offering Room 2
Insert ‘crusader’ between newer and religion, to distinguish that it was new when the crusade was called.
Current:
… the pommel of the weapons carry a holy symbol of the newer religion,…
Should be:
… the pommel of the weapons carry a holy symbol of the newer crusader religion,…

Page 4 – 6. Stairs to the Basement
Insert comma after the word but.

Page 5 – 9. Acolyte Room 1
Take out one of the ‘and’s from the sentence and replace with comma.
Currently:
In the chest are tunics and a robe and 18 Sp and 2 Gp.
Should be:
In the chest are tunics, a robe and 18 Sp and 2 Gp.

Page 5 – 9. Acolyte Room 1
change old to new and add crusader in last sentence
Currently:
The dagger has an old religious symbol on the pommel.
Should be:
The dagger has a religious symbol of the crusaders on the pommel.

Page 5 – 11. Acolyte Room 3
Add crusader to description of holy symbol to better realize who brought the weapons into the temple.
Currently:
The pommel of the sword has the same holy symbol as the one in Room 9 …
Should be:
The pommel of the sword has the same holy crusader symbol as the one in Room 9 …

Page 5 – 13 Acolyte Room 5 Sentence 3 after the boxed text.
Insert comma before the word but.

Page 5 – 13 Acolyte Room 5
combine sentences
Currently:
Also there is a letter written in a sloppy hand. The person writing it complains about the hierarchy …
Should be:
Also there is a letter written in a sloppy hand, the person writing it complains about the hierarchy …

Page 5 – 13 Acolyte Room 5
Commas around prepositions.
Currently:
… that were not believers of the water gods, and how if successful this acolyte could bring them into the fold.
Should be:
… that were not believers of the water gods, and how, if successful, this acolyte could bring them into the fold.

Page 6 – 14. Sanctuary
Remove repeated phrases ‘over the temple’ add blub about why the treant attacked.
Currently:
she transformed herself into a treant to save what was left of the temple and watch over the temple. It has been centuries since she has had to speak common and so her speech is rather archaic.
Should be:
she transformed herself into a treant to save what was left of the temple and watch it. It has been centuries since she has had to speak common and so her speech is rather archaic. If asked why the treant attacked, she will reply that since the party is armed she saw them as another group of crusaders.

Page 8 – 19. Secret Storage
Add detail about secret passage between Room 19 and the hallway between Rooms 16 and 17. Make this set of sentences a separate paragraph.
Currently:
Just outside the door for Room 20 is a hallway that ends a secret door. The latch to open the door is very obvious from this side.
Should be:
Just outside the door for Room 20 is a hallway that ends a secret door. The latch to open the door is very obvious from this side. This comes out in the middle of the 120’ hallway between Rooms 16 and 17.

Page 8 – 22 Entrance to Lower Sanctuary
Change foot to ‘.
Currently:
20 foot
Should be:
20’

Page 9 – 22. Entrance to Lower Sanctuary
Changed hardness to Hardness to match rest of document.

Page 9 – 23. Priestess’ Study
Added comma to separate ideas of the sentence.
Currently:
It was the Priestess’ Office at one time there is a desk shoved against the wall and a broken chair.
Should be:
It was the Priestess’ Office at one time, there is a desk shoved against the wall and a broken chair.

Page 10 – 25. Dining Hall
Added sentence to last paragraph to let GM know where to go to next.
Added “See Room 27 if this corridor is found.” to last paragraph.

Page 10 – 26. Kitchen
Added comma to separate ideas of the sentence.
Currently:
Once the Deep Ones are dealt with the party will see this is a kitchen …
Should be:
Once the Deep Ones are dealt with, the party will see this is a kitchen

Page 10 – 26. Kitchen
Added sentence to last paragraph to let GM know where to go to next.
Added “See Room 27 if this corridor is found.” to last paragraph.

Page 10 – 27. Well
Bold spell name to match BFRPG style.

Page 10 – 28. Lower Narthax
Changed hardness to Hardness to match rest of document.

Page 11 – 29. Main Library
Change the number agreement of the verb.
Change fall to falls.

Page 11 – 29. Main Library
Better explanation of where treasure is hidden.
Currently:
After a round of searching through the remaining bookshelves the players could find a set of books that cover a small chest.
Should be:
After a round of searching through the remaining bookshelves the players could find a set of books that are just the book spines that cover a small chest.

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Change room to Room to match rest of document.

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Change attack to attacks

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Change get to gets

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Add several commas that had been left out.

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Change ‘it’ to ‘the’ to better describe the dead dragon and not use a preposition.

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Between boulder and the Deep Ones sentence add paragraph to separate ideas.

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Change a couple of ‘she’s to ‘the dragon’.
Currently:
The Deep Ones raised the orphan dragon, but didn’t teach her that she could fly and since she saw her mother die in the collapse she has not been down in the lower cave. She did discover that she could breathe steam and was able to use that weapon.
Should be:
The Deep Ones raised the orphan dragon, but didn’t teach her that she could fly, and since she saw her mother die in the collapse the dragon has not been down in the lower cave. The dragon did discover that she could breathe steam and was able to use that weapon.

Page 12 – 33. Lower Sanctuary
Better description of mining to free the dragon.
Currently:
It should take 32 hours of mining to get through the cave in, …
Should be:
It should take 32 hours of mining for 8 humans to get through the cave in, …



And I even found more corrections to make while I was putting this list together. :(

If anyone see other errors, I haven't caught yet, let me know. Thank you. I'll be making another pass on this tomorrow.
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AlMan
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:58 am

MinkyBoodle wrote:
Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:22 am
Al, thank you so very much. Amazing what mistakes are still very easily made even with an MA in English. :lol: The help is very much appreciated, and edits will definitely be made.

Any thoughts on the level and monster balance?
Minky Boodle,
You're welcome. You are probably more qualified to make edits than I am.

I'll let Solo and Chiisu make the call on the levels and monster balance. In my opinion, with the monsters you have you should be good.
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MinkyBoodle
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Mon Sep 16, 2019 3:38 am

AlMan wrote:
Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:58 am
MinkyBoodle wrote:
Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:22 am
Al, thank you so very much. Amazing what mistakes are still very easily made even with an MA in English. :lol: The help is very much appreciated, and edits will definitely be made.

Any thoughts on the level and monster balance?
Minky Boodle,
You're welcome. You are probably more qualified to make edits than I am.
And yet, I fail to accurately look over my own work. My degree kind splits about 60/40 erring on the literary analysis end of things, so let's just say experience has made you better at it.
I'll let Solo and Chiisu make the call on the levels and monster balance. In my opinion, with the monsters you have you should be good.
Cool. Thanks!
"My love is my sword."
"If I were you I'd stay away from thoughts like that."
-Dekar and Guy, Lufia II
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Solomoriah
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Re: The Dark Temple CONTEST ENTRY THREAD

Post Mon Sep 16, 2019 8:17 am

I'm staying out of the contest entries until after the contest, as usual.

The Basic Fantasy Project is a collaborative project; as such, it's only fair that collaboration between contestants be allowed, or even encouraged. I'm loving what I'm seeing here.
My personal site: www.gonnerman.org
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