Basic Fantasy RPG Forums

J.D., I'll apply the edits you've approved next time I get to work on BFRPG documents. I'm a bit busy right now.

Thanks.

I had intended to finish proofreading yesterday afternoon, but it was a pretty long week and I ended up sleeping the whole afternoon. I'll get to the rest this coming weekend.

jdn2006 wrote:

Sir Bedivere wrote:The module looks great. Here are a few things I noticed as I was going through it. (Mostly grammar / punctuation, so be warned.)

EDIT: I got to thinking about colons and semi-colons and adjusted my comments below.

p.1

For thousands of years this region was unused territory, with --> Don't need the comma.

Probably be better as a semi-colon or split sentence.

I don't care for "unused" in that context. How about:

For thousands of years this territory has been empty, littered with remnants of ancient villages and farms.

jdn2006 wrote:

Recently monsters have become more numerous. --> Recently, ... [Do need a comma here, though.]

Definitely does.

Question: The notice says,

Treasure recovery and monster exterminators needed. All goods recovered by lawful means from monsters become the property of the carrier. Only exceptional claims by third parties will be honored and then only with just compensation for services performed.

What does exceptional claims by third parties mean? And where's the town lawyer's office?

Whatever the GM wants. Probably better if deleted; most GMs are smart enough to add interesting situtations as they wish. I ran out of ideas but a lawyer might be an interesting person to add (there are plenty of vanilla households to allow other characters).

I agree about deleting it. Let me know if you want to go ahead.

jdn2006 wrote:

p. 2

2. Most of the monsters being encountered are orcs, goblins, gnolls and other lower-level creatures. No giants and dragons and bigger brutes as of yet. --> No giants or dragons or bigger brutes ...

Definitely good correction.

Done.

jdn2006 wrote:

11. There is a metal eating monster --> metal-eating

Definitely good correction.

Done.

jdn2006 wrote:

Notes: Rules can differ subtly: [I think this would read better as a semi-colon, but either works.] if you are using this with a different rules set, ...

Definitely good correction.

Done.

jdn2006 wrote:

Class followed by level for NPCs: C = cleric, F = fighter, M = magic-user, T = thief --> You might include an example w/ level, e.g., C3 = Cleric, level 3.

Did you want an extra blank line between the Ability Abbreviations and the coinage abbreviations?

Yes.

I hope you don't mind, but I converted all those abbreviations into pure Text Body, so that each has blank space following it. It was hard to read that section.

jdn2006 wrote:

p. 6

In the Town Key, second paragraph:

An irregular wooden stockade fifteen feet high surrounds most of the town, thrown up haphazard as it expanded. --> haphazardly

4th para:

A cobble-stone paved highway --> cobblestone

2. Chicken Ranchers ... fenced in area --> fenced-in

p. 7

10. Banker ... It is empty expect for a bunch of giant centipedes kept in bags. --> empty except for

12a Tax Collector ... who keep up with the local trade, land taxes and such --> local trade and land taxes and such

(same para) When collecting taxes or carrying significant funds, they enlist four or so of the towns [--> town's] garrison (from #38), [no comma] and travel in a coach, ...

Definitely good corrections/chhanges.

Done. I dropped "paved" after "cobblestone" as I believe it is somewhat redundant.

jdn2006 wrote:

p. 8

13. Widow woman ... This home belongs to a widowed woman and an older spinster woman who helps with upkeep in return for room and board (neither lady will fight). They sometimes take in travelers as a bed-and-breakfast, and run a school and small library from their house. They make money from everyday work like sewing and from selling produce from their large garden growing out back. [It seems like they'd make money w/ the BnB, school, and library, so I would throw in an 'also' after 'They' --> They also make money ...]

Definitely good suggestion.

Do you want to provide replacement text for this?

jdn2006 wrote:

17. EDIT: This colon is fine. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

18a. ... The woman who owns this shop has moved here recently with her husband and ex-husband. [No correction. This just struck me as an interesting bit of color.]

18b. The Tavern ... Wines and similar liquors have to be imported [I always think of liquors as distilled spirits, like whiskey, so I would put 'Wines and liquors' but maybe that's just me.] The proprietor hires a old --> an old

Definitely good sugestion.

Done. I changed "their" to "his" as "their" implies plurality, so it would have to be "the owners brew their own" or "the owner brews his own." I assumed a single proprietor and changed the pronoun.

jdn2006 wrote:

That's as far as I've made it so far. I'll try to get through the rest by the weekend.

Thanks for looking. Other eyes help...

Let me know how to proceed on the ones I didn't mark done above, or if you want any of my changes changed. Also, if you get a chance to look over Sir Bedivere's other suggestions, I'd appreciate an update.

Let me make a suggestion here... I'll send JN1 R11 (the working copy) to Sir Bedivere by means of my staging area, and he can make the changes he proposes (with change tracking turned on), as he has offered to do. How's that sound?

Solomoriah wrote:

jdn2006 wrote:

Sir Bedivere wrote:The module looks great. Here are a few things I noticed as I was going through it. (Mostly grammar / punctuation, so be warned.)

EDIT: I got to thinking about colons and semi-colons and adjusted my comments below.

p.1

For thousands of years this region was unused territory, with --> Don't need the comma.

Probably be better as a semi-colon or split sentence.

I don't care for "unused" in that context. How about:

For thousands of years this territory has been empty, littered with remnants of ancient villages and farms.

Works better. Do it.

jdn2006 wrote:

Recently monsters have become more numerous. --> Recently, ... [Do need a comma here, though.]

Definitely does.

Question: The notice says,

Treasure recovery and monster exterminators needed. All goods recovered by lawful means from monsters become the property of the carrier. Only exceptional claims by third parties will be honored and then only with just compensation for services performed.

What does exceptional claims by third parties mean? And where's the town lawyer's office?

Whatever the GM wants. Probably better if deleted; most GMs are smart enough to add interesting situtations as they wish. I ran out of ideas but a lawyer might be an interesting person to add (there are plenty of vanilla households to allow other characters).

I agree about deleting it. Let me know if you want to go ahead.

Go ahead and delete it.

jdn2006 wrote:

p. 2

2. Most of the monsters being encountered are orcs, goblins, gnolls and other lower-level creatures. No giants and dragons and bigger brutes as of yet. --> No giants or dragons or bigger brutes ...

Definitely good correction.

Done.

jdn2006 wrote:

11. There is a metal eating monster --> metal-eating

Definitely good correction.

Done.

jdn2006 wrote:

Notes: Rules can differ subtly: [I think this would read better as a semi-colon, but either works.] if you are using this with a different rules set, ...

Definitely good correction.

Done.

jdn2006 wrote:

Class followed by level for NPCs: C = cleric, F = fighter, M = magic-user, T = thief --> You might include an example w/ level, e.g., C3 = Cleric, level 3.

Did you want an extra blank line between the Ability Abbreviations and the coinage abbreviations?

Yes.

I hope you don't mind, but I converted all those abbreviations into pure Text Body, so that each has blank space following it. It was hard to read that section.

If it's easy to read, it'll work fine. I'm not concerned with formatting so mcuh as content.

jdn2006 wrote:

p. 6

In the Town Key, second paragraph:

An irregular wooden stockade fifteen feet high surrounds most of the town, thrown up haphazard as it expanded. --> haphazardly

4th para:

A cobble-stone paved highway --> cobblestone

2. Chicken Ranchers ... fenced in area --> fenced-in

p. 7

10. Banker ... It is empty expect for a bunch of giant centipedes kept in bags. --> empty except for

12a Tax Collector ... who keep up with the local trade, land taxes and such --> local trade and land taxes and such

(same para) When collecting taxes or carrying significant funds, they enlist four or so of the towns [--> town's] garrison (from #38), [no comma] and travel in a coach, ...

Definitely good corrections/chhanges.

Done. I dropped "paved" after "cobblestone" as I believe it is somewhat redundant.

That reads better.

jdn2006 wrote:

p. 8

13. Widow woman ... This home belongs to a widowed woman and an older spinster woman who helps with upkeep in return for room and board (neither lady will fight). They sometimes take in travelers as a bed-and-breakfast, and run a school and small library from their house. They make money from everyday work like sewing and from selling produce from their large garden growing out back. [It seems like they'd make money w/ the BnB, school, and library, so I would throw in an 'also' after 'They' --> They also make money ...]

Definitely good suggestion.

Do you want to provide replacement text for this?

13. Widow woman ... This home belongs to a widowed woman and an older spinster woman who helps with upkeep in return for room and board (neither lady will fight). They make money taking in travelers as a bed-and-breakfast, and running a school and small library from their house, as well as everyday work like sewing and from selling produce from a large garden out back.

jdn2006 wrote:

17. EDIT: This colon is fine. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

18a. ... The woman who owns this shop has moved here recently with her husband and ex-husband. [No correction. This just struck me as an interesting bit of color.]

18b. The Tavern ... Wines and similar liquors have to be imported [I always think of liquors as distilled spirits, like whiskey, so I would put 'Wines and liquors' but maybe that's just me.] The proprietor hires a old --> an old

Definitely good sugestion.

Done. I changed "their" to "his" as "their" implies plurality, so it would have to be "the owners brew their own" or "the owner brews his own." I assumed a single proprietor and changed the pronoun.

jdn2006 wrote:

That's as far as I've made it so far. I'll try to get through the rest by the weekend.

Thanks for looking. Other eyes help...

Let me know how to proceed on the ones I didn't mark done above, or if you want any of my changes changed. Also, if you get a chance to look over Sir Bedivere's other suggestions, I'd appreciate an update.

I hope I didn't miss any, but most of your suggestions work fine without any approval.

Sir Bedivere wrote:Made it through a few more pages.

Town Key

24b ... They make soap, butter, cheese, etc., purchasing milk and vegetable oils from other people as needed. A deep, cold cellar out back stores many of their raw materials and final product [should be products as they make several]

24d. OLD COOT'S IN LAWS [should be IN-LAWS]

27 ... Most are noncombatants. [Everywhere else you detail anyone who might be a combatant, so it seems odd that in this one place you don't.]

I just got bored of throwing in a couple of men and women. The more details the more checking for errors that has to be done. If Solo' or you wanted to add stats, that'd be fine.

31 ... This concern can also sells [--> sell] saws,

32. GARRISON COMMANDER RESIDENCES [--> RESIDENCE] AND OFFICES:

34 ... They both have wives; the home is also shared by a [--> the] mother of one wife and an aunt of the other.

38 ... Bunks are plentiful, as well as a few tables and chairs --> Bunks are plentiful, and there are a few tables and chairs as well.

... The garrison of 18 spear men [--> spearmen - yeah, the automatic spell check doesn't like it, but look it up]

That finishes the town. I'll start on the wilderness areas next.

The suggested corrections look fine and I'd make them.

Solomoriah wrote:Let me make a suggestion here... I'll send JN1 R11 (the working copy) to Sir Bedivere by means of my staging area, and he can make the changes he proposes (with change tracking turned on), as he has offered to do. How's that sound?

Works fine with me. He had lots of good suggestions, as were yours. I personally wanted to rewrite a few bits of this and Monkey Isle to make the text easier to read, but I tend to break it when I touch it. And right now I can't edit anything.

Done. I'll send him a PM right away.

Hey, guys. Sorry I've been so slow on this. I hope I haven't held things up too much. I'll post a file with at least partial edits soon so you can start reviewing them.