Basic Fantasy RPG Forums

I guess I can't put it into words, except to say that it feels right to punctuate the way I do.

And I tend to believe that the author's voice should not be altered, without the author's true (not merely forced or conceded) agreement.

Well, what can I say to that?

Anyway, I can only proofread the way I know how. I'm happy to make suggestions, and you and J.D. decide what, if anything, to change. As a proofreader, as long as I feel like I've done my part, I'm happy whether the change gets made or not.

Good man! You'll go far here...

I'll argue as long as I think it's productive, but once a decision is made or it's no longer useful, it's time to move on. Life's too short to get bent out of shape over stuff like that. (Or over most stuff, really.)

I'll post my next set of suggested corrections later tonight or tomorrow.

Good enough.

J.D., are you following this?

Under 'Exploring the Wilderness':

First two paragraphs:

The elevation lines on the wilderness map represent an increase of 500 feet each: there [--> each. There ...] is a base line (0 feet) showing where the major change starts; [--> semi-colon should be a comma] then a 500 foot and 1,000 foot line. Only major changes are shown; the area undulates a lot.

... Diagonal distances are technically around 40% longer, but since distance [--> distances] do not need to be exacting [--> exact] in the game, that can be treated as 50% longer.

Question: I started noticing one, two, or three asterisks on some monster stats, but I can't find anything that explains what the asterisks mean.

2. Bandits on the road: ... Each wagon is pulled by 4 horses and being driven by a 2 man [--> 2-man] crew. Six more men ride horses alongside, and two dogs lope along with them, tongues lolling. All of the men are wearing what appears to be normal clothing. A close look will reveal that the dogs show some signs of a recent fight, as do some of the men. And [--> men and (it's all one sentence)] that the men wear leather or chain mail armor under their clothing.

3. Halfling Home, third paragraph: ... but exact details are up to the GMs [--> GM's] imagination.

H1. FRONT DOOR: A large [need a comma here] round, green door greets visitors.

H2. LIVING ROOM: ... Searching the fireplace for loose stones will reveal a small secret niche about a foot square off to one side, ... [Purely for style, it would read better to me with a couple of commas: ... niche, about a foot square, ...]

... A long dead [--> long-dead] body ...

H3. ... Vague evidence indicates that tables and chairs were once placed in the light of the windows. [I think it would be better to describe the evidence, like 'near the window, the dust seems thinner in the shapes of the table and chairs' or something like that.]

H8. BACK DOOR: A simple round door about 5' high with old, pealing [--> peeling] red paint.

H10. STABLES AND STORAGE ... The one on the north wall is broken and smeared by splattered feces (see later). [Just for clarity, I would put something like '(see just below)']

4. RESCUE ... Remember to reward the PCs [--> PC's] experience. [This sentence seems odd to me. I would think something like 'Remember to reward the PCs with experience points.' or something like that.]

5. GIANT TOADS AND HARPY: ... The harpy has [need 'a'] short bow to shoot at intruders with.

6. CAVE OF HORRORS:

C5. STEPS: Rough natural steps [go?] down sharply some 20 feet in elevation to the north.

C8. ORNATE ROOM: ... The ogre will make an evil-eye sign if anyone gets near this, deathly afraid of the room. [I think it would read better as, "The ogre, deathly afraid of the room, will make ..."]

C9. CAVE-IN TRAP ... The collapse will block the hallway, requiring a half hour's [--> half-hour's] work to clear it.

7. BEE HIVE: ... Laughing uproarishly [--> uproariously], the pixie that was riding it ...

... If the PCs collect the honey and the pixie is still alive and able: [--> able, ] they will be pelted by several (1d6) platinum coins from the pixie, ...

8. CRYPT: ... (2nd para) A silver bladed [--> silver-bladed] sword

That's it there. Next I'll work on the Caves.

By the way, if you'll tell me which of the changes I'm suggesting you want done, I'll be happy to make them. I'll turn on 'show changes' so you can see what I've done. Also, tell me what file to use.

My home computer died and I currently do not have a way of making edits.

As far as proofing goes, anything helps. I've read the main text so many time I fill in gaps and miss problems by rote (there are two a's right together in the first parapgraph of the town discussion I missed...)

"Near the bridge are docks with a a narrow wooden"

"4b," should have a period not comma after it in town.

etc.


I tried to go through and comment below..

Sir Bedivere wrote:The module looks great. Here are a few things I noticed as I was going through it. (Mostly grammar / punctuation, so be warned.)

EDIT: I got to thinking about colons and semi-colons and adjusted my comments below.

p.1

For thousands of years this region was unused territory, with --> Don't need the comma.

Probably be better as a semi-colon or split sentence.

Recently monsters have become more numerous. --> Recently, ... [Do need a comma here, though.]

Definitely does.

Question: The notice says,

Treasure recovery and monster exterminators needed. All goods recovered by lawful means from monsters become the property of the carrier. Only exceptional claims by third parties will be honored and then only with just compensation for services performed.

What does exceptional claims by third parties mean? And where's the town lawyer's office?

Whatever the GM wants. Probably better if deleted; most GMs are smart enough to add interesting situtations as they wish. I ran out of ideas but a lawyer might be an interesting person to add (there are plenty of vanilla households to allow other characters).

p. 2

2. Most of the monsters being encountered are orcs, goblins, gnolls and other lower-level creatures. No giants and dragons and bigger brutes as of yet. --> No giants or dragons or bigger brutes ...

Definitely good correction.

11. There is a metal eating monster --> metal-eating

Definitely good correction.

Notes: Rules can differ subtly: [I think this would read better as a semi-colon, but either works.] if you are using this with a different rules set, ...

Definitely good correction.

Class followed by level for NPCs: C = cleric, F = fighter, M = magic-user, T = thief --> You might include an example w/ level, e.g., C3 = Cleric, level 3.

Did you want an extra blank line between the Ability Abbreviations and the coinage abbreviations?

Yes.

p. 6

In the Town Key, second paragraph:

An irregular wooden stockade fifteen feet high surrounds most of the town, thrown up haphazard as it expanded. --> haphazardly

4th para:

A cobble-stone paved highway --> cobblestone

2. Chicken Ranchers ... fenced in area --> fenced-in

p. 7

10. Banker ... It is empty expect for a bunch of giant centipedes kept in bags. --> empty except for

12a Tax Collector ... who keep up with the local trade, land taxes and such --> local trade and land taxes and such

(same para) When collecting taxes or carrying significant funds, they enlist four or so of the towns [--> town's] garrison (from #38), [no comma] and travel in a coach, ...

Definitely good corrections/chhanges.

p. 8

13. Widow woman ... This home belongs to a widowed woman and an older spinster woman who helps with upkeep in return for room and board (neither lady will fight). They sometimes take in travelers as a bed-and-breakfast, and run a school and small library from their house. They make money from everyday work like sewing and from selling produce from their large garden growing out back. [It seems like they'd make money w/ the BnB, school, and library, so I would throw in an 'also' after 'They' --> They also make money ...]

Definitely good suggestion.

17. EDIT: This colon is fine. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

18a. ... The woman who owns this shop has moved here recently with her husband and ex-husband. [No correction. This just struck me as an interesting bit of color.]

18b. The Tavern ... Wines and similar liquors have to be imported [I always think of liquors as distilled spirits, like whiskey, so I would put 'Wines and liquors' but maybe that's just me.] The proprietor hires a old --> an old

Definitely good sugestion.

That's as far as I've made it so far. I'll try to get through the rest by the weekend.

Thanks for looking. Other eyes help...

Sir Bedivere wrote:Under 'Exploring the Wilderness':

First two paragraphs:

The elevation lines on the wilderness map represent an increase of 500 feet each: there [--> each. There ...] is a base line (0 feet) showing where the major change starts; [--> semi-colon should be a comma] then a 500 foot and 1,000 foot line. Only major changes are shown; the area undulates a lot.

... Diagonal distances are technically around 40% longer, but since distance [--> distances] do not need to be exacting [--> exact] in the game, that can be treated as 50% longer.

Good suggested changes. I'd als change the elevation line heights (maybe 1,000 and 2,000 feet but havent had time to think it out).

Question: I started noticing one, two, or three asterisks on some monster stats, but I can't find anything that explains what the asterisks mean.

Supposed to the the same as those in the rulebook. I can't double-check right now to make sure, though. Either way, a note about the source of stats would help.

2. Bandits on the road: ... Each wagon is pulled by 4 horses and being driven by a 2 man [--> 2-man] crew. Six more men ride horses alongside, and two dogs lope along with them, tongues lolling. All of the men are wearing what appears to be normal clothing. A close look will reveal that the dogs show some signs of a recent fight, as do some of the men. And [--> men and (it's all one sentence)] that the men wear leather or chain mail armor under their clothing.

3. Halfling Home, third paragraph: ... but exact details are up to the GMs [--> GM's] imagination.

H1. FRONT DOOR: A large [need a comma here] round, green door greets visitors.

H2. LIVING ROOM: ... Searching the fireplace for loose stones will reveal a small secret niche about a foot square off to one side, ... [Purely for style, it would read better to me with a couple of commas: ... niche, about a foot square, ...]

or " (a cube one foot by one foot by one foot in size) "

... A long dead [--> long-dead] body ...

H3. ... Vague evidence indicates that tables and chairs were once placed in the light of the windows. [I think it would be better to describe the evidence, like 'near the window, the dust seems thinner in the shapes of the table and chairs' or something like that.]

Yes.

H8. BACK DOOR: A simple round door about 5' high with old, pealing [--> peeling] red paint.

H10. STABLES AND STORAGE ... The one on the north wall is broken and smeared by splattered feces (see later). [Just for clarity, I would put something like '(see just below)']

4. RESCUE ... Remember to reward the PCs [--> PC's] experience. [This sentence seems odd to me. I would think something like 'Remember to reward the PCs with experience points.' or something like that.]

5. GIANT TOADS AND HARPY: ... The harpy has [need 'a'] short bow to shoot at intruders with.

6. CAVE OF HORRORS:

C5. STEPS: Rough natural steps [go?] down sharply some 20 feet in elevation to the north.

C8. ORNATE ROOM: ... The ogre will make an evil-eye sign if anyone gets near this, deathly afraid of the room. [I think it would read better as, "The ogre, deathly afraid of the room, will make ..."]

C9. CAVE-IN TRAP ... The collapse will block the hallway, requiring a half hour's [--> half-hour's] work to clear it.

7. BEE HIVE: ... Laughing uproarishly [--> uproariously], the pixie that was riding it ...

... If the PCs collect the honey and the pixie is still alive and able: [--> able, ] they will be pelted by several (1d6) platinum coins from the pixie, ...

8. CRYPT: ... (2nd para) A silver bladed [--> silver-bladed] sword

That's it there. Next I'll work on the Caves.

All good sugestions and changes I'd make. Thanks a lot.