JN1 The Chaotic Caves

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chiisu81
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Tue Feb 17, 2015 10:46 am

R17 emailed to Solo.
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chiisu81
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Sat Apr 18, 2015 12:11 pm

:(
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chiisu81
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Mon May 18, 2015 1:11 pm

Solo has posted a new release:
"James Lemon has provided this revised version of J.D.'s introductory multimodule. See the Workshop thread for details on the changes."
jdn2006
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Tue May 19, 2015 9:28 am

I downloaded this for review.
jdn2006
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Tue May 19, 2015 6:56 pm

I found (besides the necessary format changes and deletion of number ranges) that some text changes were welcome corrections and others simply changed how a section of text stated something with no improvement.

And "ally" was replaced with "allies" when there is only one minotaur. (In room 82, the North Wall of the abandonded manor.)

PS delete the references to the minotaur throwing rocks if you want to. It's started to annoy me as silly fluff.
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Solomoriah
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Tue May 19, 2015 7:17 pm

I may have changed a few things in the interest of flow (making things fall in different places so the document layout is neater or so that encounter areas follow my proximate layout guidelines). If you feel I've harmed your writing style, let me know what I've done wrong and I'll revert it.

Proximate layout guidelines: Wherever possible within the limits of the document layout, encounter areas should be kept together. Short encounters are often forced to fall within a single column of the page. Long ones that break from an even page to an odd one are tolerated, but wherever possible encounter areas are not to break from odd to even (in which case the GM must flip back and forth to see the whole area description).

Again, though, if I've done harm to your work, I'll make it right.
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Solomoriah
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Tue May 19, 2015 7:24 pm

BTW I'm pretty sure I didn't do the ally -> allies thing. I just fixed it. Errors of number drive me batty.

And the rocks thing is cool, honestly.

I'll hold off posting a new release in case you have some other things you want me to change (or change back).
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jdn2006
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Wed May 20, 2015 10:32 am

"Slow progress is being made to build a stronger stone wall around it." should be "Slow progress is being made building a stronger stone wall around it."

"Perhaps there's a wisp of smoke coming from the trees, someone cooking a meal out in the open." becomes "Perhaps there's a wisp of smoke coming out of the trees from someone cooking a meal in the open." Or better yet "Perhaps smoke from someone cooking a meal in the open is seen rising above the treetops or smelled by the PCs in the breeze." (Which added a line but did not cause any change in the adjacent column layout in my copy; smelled = smelt?).

"20. GUARD ROOM: The hobgoblins posted here also help guard against the creatures who reside in the western area, who have defied being exterminated. The corridor west has been piled with rubble to keep them out, and the guards have six vials of holy water ready. Each has 1d6 sp." becomes "20. GUARD ROOM: The hobgoblins posted here also help guard against the creatures who reside in the western area, who have defied being exterminated. The corridor west has been piled with rubble to keep them out, and the guards have six vials of holy water ready. Each has 1d6 sp." Or better yet (if it doesn't disrupt things): "20. GUARD ROOM: The hobgoblins here have piled up rubble in the hallway and stockpiled six vials of holy water to fend off the ghouls to the west. Each has 1d6 sp."

"24. ZOMBIES: Zombies wait patiently here, ready to attack and destroy any intruders." becomes "24. ZOMBIES: Zombies stand patiently here, programmed to attack and destroy any intruders."

The change to "Cell "a" has three merchants. They are noncombatant men ..." isn't bad but it strikes me that changing "noncombatant men" to "noncombatants" would encourage the GM to consider making one or two (or all of them) women.

"This is a trap: gnolls from the guard posts at #70 and #71 keep watch around the corner at location "w"." becomes "Which is a trap: gnolls from the guard posts at #70 and #71 keep watch around the corner at location "w"."

I found "It lurks over the door in webs; the webs are covered by enough dust to make someone giving a casual glance think they are the actual ceiling (the ceiling is some 15 feet high, although it is hard to notice unless someone pays attention)." annoying in re-reading it. It would be better written "It lurks overhead in webs that are covered by dust and appear to be the ceiling 10' above the floor (the actual ceiling is 15 feet high)."

"Upstairs, things are cleaner, less damage sustained." would be better as "Upstairs areas are less damaged and the rooms are cleaner."
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Wed May 20, 2015 11:21 am

Well, okay. I'll get on all that tonight.
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Re: JN1 The Chaotic Caves

Post Thu May 21, 2015 8:22 am

jdn2006 wrote:"Slow progress is being made to build a stronger stone wall around it." should be "Slow progress is being made building a stronger stone wall around it."
Done.
jdn2006 wrote:"Perhaps there's a wisp of smoke coming from the trees, someone cooking a meal out in the open." becomes "Perhaps there's a wisp of smoke coming out of the trees from someone cooking a meal in the open." Or better yet "Perhaps smoke from someone cooking a meal in the open is seen rising above the treetops or smelled by the PCs in the breeze." (Which added a line but did not cause any change in the adjacent column layout in my copy; smelled = smelt?).
I took the last version and revised it thus:
Perhaps smoke from someone cooking a meal in the open is seen rising above the treetops, or is smelled by the PCs in the breeze.
I felt it needed a comma.
jdn2006 wrote:"20. GUARD ROOM: The hobgoblins posted here also help guard against the creatures who reside in the western area, who have defied being exterminated. The corridor west has been piled with rubble to keep them out, and the guards have six vials of holy water ready. Each has 1d6 sp." becomes "20. GUARD ROOM: The hobgoblins posted here also help guard against the creatures who reside in the western area, who have defied being exterminated. The corridor west has been piled with rubble to keep them out, and the guards have six vials of holy water ready. Each has 1d6 sp." Or better yet (if it doesn't disrupt things): "20. GUARD ROOM: The hobgoblins here have piled up rubble in the hallway and stockpiled six vials of holy water to fend off the ghouls to the west. Each has 1d6 sp."
I don't see any difference between the first and second versions above. But the third version is better anyway, so I've applied it.
jdn2006 wrote:"24. ZOMBIES: Zombies wait patiently here, ready to attack and destroy any intruders." becomes "24. ZOMBIES: Zombies stand patiently here, programmed to attack and destroy any intruders."
I'd like to avoid the word "programmed"; are you good with "ordered" or "under orders"?
jdn2006 wrote:The change to "Cell "a" has three merchants. They are noncombatant men ..." isn't bad but it strikes me that changing "noncombatant men" to "noncombatants" would encourage the GM to consider making one or two (or all of them) women.
I'm doing that now. I'm also reorganizing that section slightly so the cell identifiers are at the beginning of each relevant paragraph and are bold, making them easier to find quickly.
jdn2006 wrote:"This is a trap: gnolls from the guard posts at #70 and #71 keep watch around the corner at location "w"." becomes "Which is a trap: gnolls from the guard posts at #70 and #71 keep watch around the corner at location "w"."
Hmm. Not sure why you prefer "which" over "this" in this case... formally, it's incorrect, as which (sort of like "and") acts as a connective in this usage. But I've put it in your way.
jdn2006 wrote:I found "It lurks over the door in webs; the webs are covered by enough dust to make someone giving a casual glance think they are the actual ceiling (the ceiling is some 15 feet high, although it is hard to notice unless someone pays attention)." annoying in re-reading it. It would be better written "It lurks overhead in webs that are covered by dust and appear to be the ceiling 10' above the floor (the actual ceiling is 15 feet high)."
And I find that a bit off. How does this hit you:
It lurks overhead in webs which are so covered by dust that they appear to be the ceiling, about 10' up (the actual ceiling is 15' high).
jdn2006 wrote:"Upstairs, things are cleaner, less damage sustained." would be better as "Upstairs areas are less damaged and the rooms are cleaner."
The second one is definitely better. Done.

I know I made some suggestions and asked some questions above, but I'm going to go ahead and put out what we've got on the Downloads page for review. If you want me to change anything else, including any of the things I suggested changes to above, it's cool, just let me know.
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