Chrysogon's Coterie - 288 NPCs for your Campaign

[Solomoriah]

And please, for future reference purposes, always post corrections in the thread if you are giving them item-by-item (as opposed to doing a revision pass, which is not recommended this early in the release cycle).

[Bumblepig]

If it's OK, I'm going to give you my feedback in the form of comments on the r1 doc

Hey Kyle. I'm glad you're finding some bits that you like. I'd hoped that there would be enough variety that there would be a good hit-to-miss ratio across a wide range of personal tastes.

Sticking with your previous version is A-OK. The changes so far have been to fix formatting, minor rewording and typos. No dramatic changes are likely given that it's already a complete book.

Posting your fixes here line by line is best so other people can see what's been flagged already.

Todd

Given the size of this thing, I was going to try and just submit everything in one bulk submission. FWIW, I'll just upload as far as I got (levels 1-4). If I get time to do more reviewing I'll do future suggestions in the thread.
I'd say your hit-to-miss ratio is pretty high. Good stuff!

[Solomoriah]

The reason review passes (i.e. editing the core document) aren't recommended is that the core production team may be working on the document. We coordinate among ourselves when we do that kind of thing, though I'll admit I'm kind of cavalier about it on the weekends when Chi is usually busy.

[toddlyons]

Revision 4 is now uploaded to the first post. Thanks, Kyle, for more great suggestions, error catches, and the probing questions that are forcing me to re-word and make my intended meanings more clear.

[Bumblepig]

The reason review passes (i.e. editing the core document) aren't recommended is that the core production team may be working on the document. We coordinate among ourselves when we do that kind of thing, though I'll admit I'm kind of cavalier about it on the weekends when Chi is usually busy.

Got it, makes sense.

[Solomoriah]

I'm guessing you did all 288 character's hit point boxes manually. Wow.

I started with one from the My Adventure template. The rest are copypasted from the website because all the characters were rolled with your NPC generator. Thanks for that. It made it possible for me just to concentrate on backstories.

Ah, THAT makes sense. The NPC generator was never designed for that, which I suppose is my fault. I'll have to think it over a bit...

As a GM I'd prefer a boxed text that describes how the character looks

Ouch. Now that's probably where this will be disappointing to some people. I really, really want people to imagine what the character looks like based on the mini-bio. There are exceptions in the book where how they look is completely part of who they are -- and I specified in those cases -- but for the most part I want to pencil-line the characters and let GMs colour them in the way they imagine.

Which points out a place where you and I differ dramatically. I do better inferring and/or "riffing" off of a physical description; reading a backstory, especially a long one, does not usually create a picture in my mind (unless, as you say, the backstory describes or dictates the appearance).

This is not a criticism of you. Far from it. Rather, it's a case where different people use the resources in different ways. I've said before, for my own characters this constitutes a backstory:

"Hello. I'm Moziah, son of Josah, son of Jorah, of the hill people, and this is my grandfather's axe."

Not sure how the best way to proceed is here, but I do know that using BoxedText as you are is not really how it's intended. BoxedText in adventures is used to contain and separate information that is accessible to the players from information that is restricted to the GM; this lets the GM read or paraphrase or whatever from the BoxedText, knowing that he or she will not be giving anything away.

[leon]

Here are my notes after reading through the 2nd level NPCs. This text is pretty interesting, with a few surprises triggering a chuckle here and there.

Could the intro include a note about the document being a personal collection of biographies written by Chrysogon?

You could use page references rather than (q.v.). It would be more usable and flipping to an index. However, it's best to wait until the text is unlikely to change much because you'll likely have to do those manually.

Page 10, Finnean O'Connor: "Clearly, there is some friendly rivalry between the pair, and Finnean goes". It would be nice to know the names of his dogs.

Page 10, Lavinia Septima is described as wanting to shed her plate mail, but she's listed as wearing leather. If she really wears plate, you'll need to adjust listed AC.

Page 12, Alberich Grosf, "Alberich is increasingly becoming obsessed with Elves, and because he was..."

Page 16, Sòlas Ó Caisidei: "But[strike] If you’re anyone else, he won’t..."

I wonder about the spell lists. I guess given these came out of the generator, they are memorized spells. I expected but haven't seen cases where a spellcaster has multiples memorized (e.g. Magic Missile x2). Also, I presume Magic-Users would carry spellbooks that contained more spells than those they have memorized.

Page 17, Paschalis Sacerdos: I wonder why Chrysogon didn't name the ruler. In fact, whoever he is, he could deserve his own entry.

Page 18, Aston Paytone: this is another place where the name of the "particularly wealthy and famous person" would be interesting to include.

Page 18, Farvald Beckete: "he took refuge in a warehouse where he found a
Halfling-sized shipping crate. Taking refuge inside..." Perhaps rephrase the second instance of taking refuge?

Page 18, Alodie Weaver: whoa, a cleric that uses assassins?

Page 19, . Étaín “The Face” Macginnisi: "Shortsword +1, +3 vs. Special Enemy" needs the special enemy specified.

[toddlyons]

I do know that using BoxedText as you are is not really how it's intended. BoxedText in adventures is used to contain and separate information that is accessible to the players from information that is restricted to the GM

It's true. In using a module template to make something that's not a module, it was guaranteed to break the rules by stealing things and using them for something other than what they were intended.

I don't know if this will be confusing to GMs who pick up the book at the table and think, "It's boxed text, so I can just read all this aloud to the players."

It also doesn't play well with Style Guide conventions like the requirement to boldface magic items. Visually, that creates a lot of bold in a small space, and makes the font weight and size of weapons the same as the person's name (and the name of person below).

So as a writer but non-designer I could use some expert advice. For example:

• What's a good way to modify the BoxedText field to make the mini-bios pop, without visually suggesting they be read to players? Would a shaded background be preferable to create in its place? Would that drive up the print costs (or deplete too much of your toner)? What's else can highlight bio text other than a box?
• Should the NPC's magic stuff be bold text, or is there an exception because of the non-module format?
• If we bold those, how should the character names be formatted so they aren't the same font weight? Larger size? Uppercase?
• (Any other ideas you have. I've really appreciated everything that's been done for far.)

Todd

[toddlyons]

This text is pretty interesting, with a few surprises triggering a chuckle here and there.

Thanks! I really tried. There's a lot of heavy material, especially with the older NPCs with longer careers. So, I tried to add some fluffy bits and quirks to balance things where I could. Also, everyone has different tastes, and I tried some variety to reach different readers.

Could the intro include a note about the document being a personal collection of biographies written by Chrysogon?

It's actually there as the surprise ending. He writes his own bio as the final character/biographer. I figured that his name would be the first one people searched for, but for those that don't -- WHACK -- right in the face before you exit.

You could use page references rather than (q.v.). It would be more usable and flipping to an index. However, it's best to wait until the text is unlikely to change much because you'll likely have to do those manually.

I'm open to changing it. That's a callback to Gygax in books like Deities & Demigods. It came out of my fingers right from the start and I just went with it.

I do agree that I need to specify more things in some places. Your suggestion about the knick-knacks was a good one, because who can think of 12 off the top of their head? I struggled. But there are also intentional gaps where I want the GM to run with it, plus a lot of intentional fuzziness. Hints, not proclamations. Breadcrumbs, not loaves.

Zero thieves guilds have a name (it would be a guarded secret anyway); temples are named but their purposes are casually suggested (good/evil/neutral); some Clerics are said to be affiliated with a temple but it's not always mentioned which, organizations are lightly sketched and the member activities only hinted at; weapon special enemies are not defined (it's whatever will help the party she joins), and a lot of names are intentionally missing. Regarding the latter, my hope is that some of these NPCs will be relatives of NPCs you create/have already created. So, if any entry begs a question, I hope the GM will answer for themselves. Name the dogs whatever you like.

It's Chrysogon's Colouring Book. Paint it and personalize.

Thanks again for the edits, Leon.

[Solomoriah]

So as a writer but non-designer I could use some expert advice. For example:

• What's a good way to modify the BoxedText field to make the mini-bios pop, without visually suggesting they be read to players? Would a shaded background be preferable to create in its place? Would that drive up the print costs (or deplete too much of your toner)? What's else can highlight bio text other than a box?

Regarding this item, specifically: why does it need to "pop?" As it stands right now, a character description consists of a name (in bold, so it pops), the mini-bio, and then the statistics. The next character begins with a boldfaced name (and number). In all our other publications we don't box biographical or personality text for NPCs; for consistency we probably should do it the same way.

I am however willing to discuss the exact formatting. Let me know your thoughts on the matter.

EDIT: I would suggest that a special heading style for character names might be a good idea.