Basic Fantasy RPG Forums

Not sure about the "thief classes".
Maybe just "thief" would get the meaning.

Page 8.

6. "Inside the sarcophagi is no coin. There is however a Short Sword +1 with a fighting bear motif on the cross-guard. "

Should probably be "sarcophagus" here as it's a description of the one that was holding the mummy.

chiisu81 wrote: ↑Fri Apr 23, 2021 7:41 am "...not to open any of the sarcophagi" reads better to me than "...not to open any sarcophagi"

This.

Seven wrote: ↑Fri Apr 23, 2021 7:54 am Not sure about the "thief classes".
Maybe just "thief" would get the meaning.

Yes, that sounds good.

Seven wrote: ↑Fri Apr 23, 2021 7:54 am Page 8.

6. "Inside the sarcophagi is no coin. There is however a Short Sword +1 with a fighting bear motif on the cross-guard. "

Should probably be "sarcophagus" here as it's a description of the one that was holding the mummy.

Generally we don't talk about what *isn't* in a container, only what is. There's a tendency (and I'm guilty here sometimes) to write adventures like stories, but descriptive text (even for the GM) should not assume you've seen previous text. I'd strongly recommend:

Inside the sarcophagus is a shortsword +1 with a relief carving of a fighting bear on the cross-guard.

Several things here:

-- "There is however" is awkward, and I'd avoid it almost always. For that matter, "Inside the X there is no coin" sounds odd also.

-- You are correct regarding the plural vs. singular of sarcophagus.

-- "with a fighting bear motif" doesn't tell us how the bear is represented. I suggest a relief carving, but it could be enameled for example. Best in descriptions to avoid words like "motif" that are not sufficiently specific or detailed, while also avoiding going overboard on detail. Always a tricky thing.

Page 10.

10. "Moving close to the water results in the water (or goo) coalescing into an imitator, which attacks the nearest prey."

Not sure what an "imitator" is. This could be a great idea for a new type of slime, but green slime just drops from walls and ceilings and you have to burn the stuff off before it completely consumes you.

11. "This chamber is a large open crypt roughly forty feet square with a high vaulted ceilingwith a high vaulted ceiling, once decorated with barely discernible frescoes showing various scenes from rural life."

extra "with a high vaulted ceiling".

"The voice in this room is attributable to the figure standing in the opening to the small cave."

That's the first mention of the voice in the room, so it shouldn't be "the".

Page 11.

Lord Baylor is not really a zombie. I would call him something else to remove the confusing. Maybe "Accursed Undead Noble" or something like that. Can he be Turned at all?

12. "The stone statue is an effigy of Borx, a trickster demon. A PC has a 1 in 1d6 chance of identifying the statue as being Borx, a trickster demon"

Maybe just "identifying him as such", however, I have no idea what a "trickster demon" is.

good stuff, when i get round to it i can make the changes, unless others want to, in which case post the revision Quite busy with work at the minute.

Solomoriah wrote: ↑Wed Apr 21, 2021 6:13 pm

Seven wrote: ↑Wed Apr 21, 2021 6:34 am "Despite being under strict instructions not to open any sarcophagi"

Should be singular thus "sarcophagus".

Why should it be singular?

I suppose if it read 'not to open any OF THE sarcophagi' that would sound right.

That's right.

santrix wrote: ↑Mon Apr 26, 2021 11:59 am good stuff, when i get round to it i can make the changes, unless others want to, in which case post the revision Quite busy with work at the minute.

I was gonna let Seven finish current read-through/edit, and then I was gonna do one and post a new release.

And I am done.

r8 uploaded to first post